Caught in a Hot Spot
Im sure there is a bunch of new skills we have all acquired during this crazy time we are living and have shared with our instagram family... but is there something that has always been a hobby that you have steered away from ?
Mine is writing. My friends have asked, any new blogs ? and usually i answer no, with the up tone of asking a question at the end, because i am legitimately asking myself... why haven't you written anything tash ?
I cannot answer this query, but i can instead turn to the page and decide it is time. It is time to write again. Usually my entries are planned and written with purpose but i think this one is for me, so if i didnt loose you at the mention of banana bread... welcome to my brain and what is surfacing at this present moment.
The date is the 5th of august 2020. 21 weeks ago the world as we knew it came crashing down all because of a bat that someone ate. Yes, our mate covid-19/corona/rona/the bitch
Whenever big moments happen in the world, the question in years to come will be... where were you when it hit ? I do not know where you were but i was in Los Angeles. Sitting in a church at the rehearsal ceremony for my friends wedding the next day. Of course we knew about corona but it had not yet impacted our lives and well this day it sure as hell felt close to home. Seeing my dearest friend cancel his wedding, sending out postponement messages and driving back in a daze... knowing that this was just the beginning of the unravelling that lay ahead.
The next few days came the calls from my family begging me to head home, the anxiety attacks, oh yeah and the signing of a brand new lease. Because obviously the year was going so well that i had upgraded my life to include the most expensive car i had ever owned, and a one bedroom cottage of my dreams. Talk about timing. But i still didn't allow rona to take hold of my year. I decided to go ahead with the move, to buy health insurance in a frenzy to calm my dad and tell my parents im going to settle into my new home and then lets decide what the fudge i am doing .
Well by then Los Angeles shut down. All cafes, restaurants, gyms, pubs, clubs you name it, closed. Masks were just becoming a thing and soon would become mandatory and the meme wallet? keys? MASK would become reality. I will admit i did not know what i was doing, or what was going to happen but most of my Aussie friends were staying, i was still working and being looked after and so i decided hey lets make the most of it .
Then came Zoom which i first loved because it was saving me from debt and actually giving me structure. When people say i was busy during Covid i know i want to laugh like what in actual heck were you doing ? but i really was !! I was teaching around 6 -12 classes a week. I had regular classes, solos and workshops and somehow the universe was supporting a sister in her new upgrades and life was flowing smoothly. The weather got warmer and i will honestly say once i accepted this new reality i felt like i was thriving. I was happy, i was feeling inspired, i was exploring even though it may have been illegal and yes i did run from the cops once away from the beach when a woman dobbed on me, but the point is i was really happy.
Had my moments of ups and downs. The typical skipping through the sunflowers verses sitting on the bathroom floor crying with the candles on, but if you didn't... we know you are lying hunny. I had my weekly zooms with my girls with some wine, i got over my phobia of phone calls because i live alone and having Alexa as my only friend was beginning to scare me and i had my isolation buddies Mariah & Kody to make memories with . Time really flew by, i soon got over the zooms as you did too but they still provided ample entertainment when a 7 year old put herself inside a cardboard box during the combo. and my thoughts were, oh me too haha.
Early June we experienced the murder of George Floyd and with it came the Black Lives Matter Movement, a massive worldwide moment that was seriously needed to bring attention to the inequality that still burns through this world. I began researching, asking my friends of colour about their experiences, getting into uncomfortable conversations that were very much needed. The protests began and i have to say i am proud that i stood up for the cause and attended two. They were peaceful and actually so inspiring and remarkable to be a part of . Im glad i took my steps with history to stand up and support black lives, though it doesn't stop there... the researching, reading, watching and talking has and will continue to so that i cando better & know better and i hope it has in your circles also.
Around this time though my anxiety began to take a turn. Along with the protests came curfews and a dark uneasy ness. Everyone was feeling the heavy emotions and i began to feel unsafe and very insecure. My good friend left for home to Australia and i began thinking maybe my heart needed it to. The battle between is this my intuition burning or fear began the chat of the day with myself as i began to make the decision to fly home. It was on that bathroom floor that i said out loud i was flying back to Australia and so it was. I wish i could say the anxiety ended but it didn't and i reached an all new level in front of my friends showing them how dark and consuming this side of me is. One last night in the cottage with a bunch of close friends, i was only leaving for 5 weeks but it seems my heart knew it would be more because it felt like a farewell for a while.
Up until i transferred out of San Fran towards Sydney i kept praying, god please stop me in my path if i am not meant to get on this flight, but he did not and i guess he was right .
Landing in Sydney during COVID-19 and heading into 14 day government mandated hotel quarantine is something i will never forget. The empty corridors in the airport, the nurses, the hot army men and the bus ride where no one spoke a word until we arrived at the park royal in darling harbour which i along with the couple next to me clearly searched on google and looked up the rooms to see if life would be nice or disappointing haha . My attempt for an upgrade to a suite failed and so i said goodbye to the outside world as two lovely handsome army men escorted me to my room and closed the doors on me.
If you have experienced the quarantine, we're basically sisters now going through that ! and if not let me tell you it's not as bad as you would imagine. I had a beautiful view of the city & centrepoint tower that would allow me to trick my conscious brain into thinking i could breathe fresh air. I had a remodeled room and i actually quite liked it. The faster you accept - this is my reality- i will not see outside these four walls the better you will survive. My parents and friends delivered me goody bags with snacks, colour in books, and important things like wine and a whiteboard make shift vision board coz i'm cool like that and we were off ! It went by quickly... my neighbors had nightly entertainment provided by my naked dancing body that was slightly tipsy from wine at 6pm. I am suprised to this day i did not receive noise complaints because i was up at 7 am warming up my voice for a vocal workshop i took for the two weeks, next hour i was yelling 6,7,8 MOREEEE as i was teaching online classes and then i was stomping around trying to break a sweat and workout when and if Jan would call me back. Overall quarantine was successful... 3 showers a day, wine every day, siestas, work done, and many many hours pondering life. To add to that trump was creating a proclamation against entry to foreign visas so yeah i was questioning my life decisions and if i could ever go back every few hours. But thank heavens 01 were not included so hooray for us, sorry for the rest of you. Lets not even get into the food, but to wrap it up my restrictions were NO EGG and some mornings i received EGGS & spinach in a plastic cup, so that answers it for you... friggen fabulous !
My family picked me up at exactly 12:01 am on the day i was released with a negative COVID TEST which a studio basically watched me experience because i was mid zoom- for the memory banks kids. I could not be happier to be wrapped in my mum & dads arms and go to bed in my family home.
I was only meant to be in Australia for 5 weeks. It has now been 8. I was meant to leave next Tuesday, but i changed it again so now i leave in 3 weeks and by the time you read this, check back in with me because maybe i am still here. Welcome to the joy of calling two places home in the world and Rona ruining all your plans . Initially i was meant to be home in June for a super exciting project, actually a goal which i literally manifested out of thin air, it's a wild story which ill tell you if we ever meet and you ask. But 2020 as we know has its own plan so lets leave that to the universe and im praying ill get my time to live that out .
These weeks at home have been pure bliss. I always come home for two weeks where i teach so much i begin selling my soul and then i see my friends for one day, hug my parents and kiss the city goodbye, so yeah to be home for over two months has been well overdue. Ive found the perfect balance of working at studios and with students that leave my heart absolutely beaming, and family quality time. An update on the Marconi's- we now own a horse named Luna she stays at Glenworth valley and the weekends are filled with visiting her and riding. My dad books me in for private lessons with a riding instructor and i am basically about to quit dancing to live our my saddle club dreams. It is kind of funny but simultaneously epic and that has been my sat/sun/mon reality. I love our days in the valley, seeing my dads smile as he gets on the horse and teaches his daughters something new for the first time in a while, seeing my sister learn new things and ask my approval and the good times we have had. I love my family, i believe i was blessed with one of the best, the sort of parents who ask what they did wrong in raising you and you literally have no answer because they are a godsend and did the best job. They are funny, adventurous, supportive, ridiculous and annoying all at once and this time with them has meant the absolute most to me.
So here we are 21 weeks into covid/iso life and 21 weeks away from christmas god damn it. Im currently in bed on the central coast after a morning of surf in the winter sun. I have a flight back booked for august 26th, some teaching booked in, dinners with my friends and a whole lot of time to ponder what the heck i am doing with my life. When i get to that anxious point ive chosen to laugh, laugh because we are all in the same boat. This year one thing we know for sure like Oprah says, is "nothing is certain" cue chuckle. But for real every thing is changing constantly. A week ago i could enter Queensland, now the central coast is part of greater Sydney by some stupid rule and now my trip is cancelled. Melbourne is in the strictest lockdown the country has seen, people are still unemployed, there is no vaccine and we are all just trying to hold it together. Not one person is alone in their feelings of instability right now, and if you are someone like me who is a control freak ill offer a little realisation i had. Right now if you are loved, if you are healthy, safe, your presence is missed and you are reading this .... you are doing a whole lot better than a lot of people in this world right now. So for that you must be grateful. I know it seems shaky, and some days we are holding back tears... but i am right there with you.Times are unknown, life is scary and we really werent prepared for this...i mean 2020 was the year of clear visions, i know all our vision boards were prepped for the fucking best year yet... and here we are, experiencing a worldwide pandemic writing in our journals and knowing that one day our kids will be reading these and we will be describing the days we had to jump in the shower to wipe our bottoms because karen bought all the toilet paper at coles.
So as a collective lets let go. Lets breathe and accept that this is what it is. Take this time to look back on how much you have grown, how your priorities and values have shifted, what you want from life moving forward and once life kicks back into gear what are some things this life pause has taught you that you need. I know that my worth has gone up a lot during this time, i have discovered i really love myself and my solo time, i studied a free business course and realised my mum is correct i never finish anything, i started my mentorship, i found a new passion and realised how much i love creating and that i am obsessed with old Hollywood, i got over my fear of dogs and i can confirm i still cant colour inside the lines.
As i mentioned above, i am not sure what the point of this blog was, but i feel great after writing it and i hope it provided you with something to reflect on, laugh at, and feel less alone with. I am sending love to you all, especially my Melbourne peers and people like me who call another place home and are currently battling the question of "where i am meant to be". I hope you hear the calling or you let life push you somewhere, thats what i am doing. With much love & light i leave you here. Stay healthy and mask up