two steps forward, one step back
3 months into recovery… at least one third of the way into it. Time has sped by yet chosen a few moments to drag on and feel like forever along the way. Each day I remind myself – this is temporary. These feelings, thoughts and pain is ALL temporary. Present in the now and soon to be washed away by a new moment that may instead deliver joy.
I had a day this week where I ran for the first time. As I gripped the handrail and dug my nails in holding on with fear I began to feel the most free I have felt in months. What do you mean I am jogging ?? The wind in my hair, the stride in my footsteps… and of course the sweat as my body felt id been running a marathon for 5km yet I was only 3 minutes in to a 5 minute jog. Oh the joys of getting your body back into motion. I celebrated and felt unstoppable and triumphant in all my hard work and effort since surgery. Of course, the next day , recovery decided to tumble me down a small hill and remind me its not all an upwards climb.
I put myself in the corner of the gym, kneeled and tried to sit back onto my heels . Ohhhh the pain if only you could feel it. The stretching, the pinch, the tightness – all as I tried to achieve the most simple position for any human, let alone dancer. Old mate having a pint at the beery in terrigal would give me a run for my money as my butt says hello to the sky and it doesn’t seem to be lowering. At once I felt defeated, at a loss for progress, and my friend doubt began to slide into the drivers seat and take over. I doubted that I would ever return to LA or be able to dance as I use to. This pain wont ever go away, my knee is always going to click and hurt, ill do it again turning… I will not be Tash Marconi !!!!. I let myself feel all these emotions wholeheartedly. The sadness stung my eyes, my fists pounded the floor with anger, frustration and hatred for myself and soon I became the four year old girl throwing a tantrum because I wasn’t getting my way. I didn’t try to fight it , because honestly what good does denial do ?! I really do feel like SHIT not like roses so im going to feel it , sit in it all and then decide where to go.
I sat staring at the ocean afterwards and reflected on what was happening in my mind. I reminded myself there will be tough moments, but I am doing it – I am improving ! I reminded myself how much I had progressed since the days where I had to use my arms and good leg to simply lift my leg off the bed. I reminded myself that I am in control of my thoughts and visualized myself dancing just like before – actually, even better. I reminded myself how much I have grown, realized and how strong I have become. I repeated the phrase “this too shall pass” and then remembered in my tantrum I had told myself “I will not be tash Marconi”. WHAT?!!!
I am still alive, I still have my mind, my words… my god damn everything. I was basing the whole ideal of “who am I” around what I do !!! Around what others think of me, what I have accomplished, what I have experienced. I know myself better than to think that those extrinsic qualities make up who I am and that if I didn’t dance I would not meet that expectation however my grief had led me down the wrong path in the woods. I decided there and then to focus the entire week on ME.
What makes me happy ? What do I like to do in my spare time? What qualities and values do I live by ? What do I deliver to mine and others lives daily ? What do I contribute to the world and others I interact with ? What do I believe in ?
Soon I had an essay entry in my journey and it surprised me that “dance” made up maybe 15 percent of ME. Those pages were jotted with things that made me TASH MARCONI that had nothing to do with shaking my hips and a great cashew foot. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our career/work especially when we are beyond passionate ( which is a wonderful thing!, never lose that) that we forget that there is so much more to US and life than that which we do !!!
My obsession with WWII, my passion for writing, my acai bowl and flower addiction all have NOTHING to do with my career. But they are all things that make me ….. ME !!!!!!!
If you have continued reading to this point, thank you for reading and I hope you didn’t need too many lattes to get through my essay and secondly… I urge you to do the same exercise. If you are doubting yourself, your existence, you purpose and meaning. Write down everything about yourself, be brutally honest, write the craziness out on paper and see all your truths in front of you.
“Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones