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The beginning...who sawed off my hamstring

Yesterday was the big day. The day they would take a part of my hamstring to create a new ACL ligament and then screw it into my bones and make me brand new !

There was a lot of waiting time at the hospital as the clock ticked with anticipation, however this time my mother didn't have to put up a fight to sit with me , as yes i am an adult now... but no way in hell was i going in alone ! I was terrified as i was taken through and an antibiotic steroid they gave me felt like it was zapping my insides. Great! i thought its already the end as I'm about to have an allergic reaction before i even go in. Seeing the inside of the operating theatre was terrifying... bright lights so many machines and tools but I told myself to breath and focus. As they put the mask over my face and and counted me down what song comes on but "hey mickey" ! Now to all my friends that know me well, it is clear my obsession that I have with mickey and minnie so in a strange way it felt peaceful to know a part of disney was here with me ! (why they play that music as they are about to cut me apart i will never know!)

The next thing I remember is wailing as they were trying to take X rays of my leg and then flashes of waking up to moan and complain and then fall back asleep and again and again. I got put on the highest amount of morphine and tablets because the pain wouldn't let up so i had to stay in stage two longer before I could see my parents. There was a beautiful yellow flowering tree right outside the window and my eyes fixated on it as soon as i came to long enough to keep my eyes open. It was so beautiful there blooming fresh flowers and radiant with the sun glistening upon it. I felt calm and realized like those flowers- this is a new beginning for me to bloom into the new me.

Finally I got to be with my parents who of course were worried sick and had been at the doors every 5 minutes apparently. All I could say was my hamstring felt like someone had sawed it off with a rough knife. My god the pain !! So i kept sleeping because I wasn't quite ready to feel reality.

My surgeon came around to tell me the surgery went really well and a little surprise. My MRI scans that were super dodgy from LA (probably because I got them done at a blackmarket price in downtown LA with all the homeless people asking matt and myself to buy them quarter pounders) had said that I had two grade III tears on my meniscus. This had been worrying me because it was hurting a lot awaiting my surgery and meniscus have such a low if any bloody supply that they are tricky to heal. Sometimes they can staple it together, sometimes they cut the tear away and more than likely they leave it and you just have to pray yours gets back to feeling the same. But the good news was that they lied !! I didn't have any tears !! just bad bruising where my pain was coming from so I was over the moon !.

My ACL of course as was imagined was in shreds lying everywhere inside my knee cavity. Good thing I got it fixed. I had a wonderful Physio who had worked with some of my closest friends on Les Mis so it was comforting to have some nice support as I was attempting to move my new leg for the first time. 12 hours later I was out of there and into the long drive home with my head out the window to keep away the nausea .

I am so overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received from my family and close friends of course, the dance community and people who have followed my career. Looking at my instagram I was shocked to see all the love and kind words from choreographers in LA who I have dreamt of working for ! Getting THAT close and praying next time its "my look". Even though I'm in pain and only one day out it made me realize that yes... that is where I am meant to be. I saw all the strides I had made and how many wonderful souls want me back over there and i know that I will work my little butt off to be back where my heart is lingering for. Yes its time off and out of there but I can already see one reason for this and that it had to happen to give me new fire and realize how much i was growing there and how I almost gave up early on something that makes my soul sing !

Today I start physio to get Kappy (named by stacey) moving. Im pretty scared because it hurts but a good friend today told me to remember "short pain for a long term gain" so here we go !

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