Pinch me

I am in love with this city.... 8 months in and I can wholeheartedly sing it from the rooftop with my arms spread wide. Yes this city pushes and prods you constantly, you second guess everything you have ever known, you feel unstable constantly and sometimes can't see past the next day let alone year. But it also changes your life in all the best ways!! For once I am loving my passion (dance) not just its rewards. It has been years since the very thought of movement, creation, and exploring has made my heart skip with joy. I feel myself growing every day, heck every hour ! I have met souls that have changed my eyes and the way I see the world. I know more about myself and what I see for my life, what I want in life, what I want to bring to this earth.

Each day brings a new fire with it because auditions, coffee dates, classes, spontaneous nights all pop out of thin air in the blink of eye. I am going to auditions that I have dreamt of attending - waiting in line with 600 people to smother ourselves in a tiny room and spend days there for call backs all for that ONE spot. I have smothered peanut butter on people to make some money to take class (you better believe it, and no you can't see the video) , I have had my first side job in almost 7 years bringing people their chicken and salads at events and hoping I don't cause them to wear it as a dress and through it all - I just couldn't be happier !

I've also had the incredible moments of working with choreographers whom I have dreamt of simply being in the same room , danced alongside my inspirations and watched goals tick themselves off my list.

I was really happy. I felt my momentum and I knew it was all beginning. I decided to focus this week on taking classes that I had never taken and that I knew would challenge me and probably make me feel really uncomfortable. It was the first class- a Tuesday night probably only 10 minutes out from the end when I jumped in the air mid choreography to land in a puddle of water and feel my entire leg pop in half beneath me...

No No No No.... this is not happening. This is not real..... It was painless. I knew I heard a pop but I knew my body was strong - maybe its a miracle and something clicked in and out but I am okay. Ouch it feels a bit strange but no I'll be fine. 30 minutes later after the shock died down and I really took a deep look within myself I knew something was wrong.. lets hope something small and 2 weeks out at most. When I was 18 I tore my ACL in half ( 2 months of recovery) and it took a phone call from my dad to realize shhit- this is the same leg. Still I tried not to panic it didn't really hurt that much.

After a hilarious night in CVS trying walking sticks and finally finding a pair of crutches, drawing healing love hearts onto a knee brace and meditating this all away... the MRI results came back to say I had torn my meniscus in 2 areas with Grade 3 (the worst kind) tears. I needed to see an orthopedic surgeon.

Thankfully my friend Megan was over to hold me close as I had what I would deem A FULL BLOWN MELT DOWN (poor Megan had brought acai bowls and coffee to cheer me up before I picked up the phone..I love you!) . The next few days were a whirl. Hundreds of phone calls to my family, insurance, phone companies, banks and all as I decided that I wanted to return home to be around my family at this time . I was overwhelmed by the love and support of the people I call family over here. Doughnuts, home cooked dinners, tissues, packing up my life, looking after my cactus and buddha and fairy lights, pre halloween bashes and dropping everything in a heart beat to be my side really made my heart melt. How lucky I am to have so many incredible souls in my life that made saying see you soon sooooo hard !!!!

It was 4 days after that class and was in a wheelchair in the business class lounge about to be rolled to my lush plane seat thanks to travel insurance. I lived like a queen on that flight home with my 3 course meals and a an actual bed- no wonder these rich folk look fresh stepping off that 14 hour flight when I look homeless. I was focusing on the positive of the situation and relishing in an experience I was very lucky to be living.

Reality sunk as my daddy scooped me in his arms with a welcome home balloon and I cried all the way to Terrigal. Sad because I didn't know what awaited and sad because I had been forced to leave everything I had worked so hard for just when I felt it ripening.

Its now two weeks later. I sit in my home in Terrigal and preparing myself for surgery tomorrow. Oh yes I haven't mentioned that after three opinions it turns out that I need an ACL reconstruction as I did cause further damage and the limp string that now remains would snap at the next pirouette. So my former 2 week dream recovery has now become a 9-12 month long hard road ahead. Of course I could write paragraphs about how I feel but you can imagine it for yourself. Pretty much I won't be able to do the one thing that I love for a year, I'm losing a year of my visa, my bank account has been sucked dry and i haven't heard from people that matter the most. BUT.... I am breathing, I am alive, I am well. I have an incredible family, I have support and I have the beach at my door step. I know it will be tough, and i know i will learn the most precious lessons. This is a time of patience, resilience and perseverance and I am ready for it . Another chapter to add to my story and another wound to make my warrior stronger. I will come out of this a better, stronger, more wholehearted person and I look forward to the joys the universe delivers along this journey and beyond.

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