The sun will come out tomorrow
Who didn't grow up belting out this infamous show tune from Annie?! I mean at the time I just thought I sounded incredible singing it non stop around the house, in the car and at every singing recital even though my mother has now revealed she thought I was tone deaf!. Now 24, I don't sing it as frequently however the songs message is one that keeps me dreaming and looking forward and now I see an Annie in me, as I sit thousands of kilometers away from home on a lonely balcony in the north of Hollywood staring at colored taco signs and strange men roaming the streets. Ok I didn't make that sound like roses... but hey thats reality.
The past month for me has been all kinds of a raging hurricane sweeping through Kansas in the Wizard of Oz. They say when it rains... it pours. I previously used this in a more positive tone when too many wonderful things were crossing my path. However, this month it took on an all new meaning. Let me tell you about when Life shat on my face.
I finally got to a stage where i was happy, seeing progress and had found a new fire to light my flame. I was about to go on a lease for the place that had become home, my boyfriend was soon to visit after 4 months away and i finally felt I was living the life i had wanted in LA.
The day came to hear back on the lease. I had just walked out of yoga feeling zen, connected, and ever so grateful. Only to check my phone and instantly have an anxiety attack as i read the message "We need to talk. Our application has been denied." Turns out i had no credit. What a surprise ! Seeing as I'm a brand new "alien" to this country and instead of letting me put down a bigger deposit as most do, little old Ryan decided to become even more of a dumbass and just say a big fat NO... no buts, no options. Just a nice "you have 30 days to get out".
Now 30 days probably seems like a decent amount of time. Yes maybe for most, however of course My roommate was off to the land down under for time "unknown" in literally two days !!! Sorry just repeat all of that, ahhhhh is this real ?!!. Needless to say we both required paper bags for breathing as we imprinted our bodies into our adored carpet with tears and screams. We pulled our shit together like the two mature women we are and begun the process that night ... drinking two bottles of wine and heading out on the town and leaving the empty boxes at home to deal with themselves.
I still look back in disbelief that in a day we U hauled all that furniture and life into a truck out to a storage space. I think we should become removalists the way that three girls slayed life carrying a house down stairs. Cant say the same for Erin and myself who woke up the neighbor when he thought we were having a raging stomping party but really we were just trying to avoid throwing the tv cabinet down the stairs, I still think shattered planks of wood would have been less of a strain.
So there I was dropping the roomie off at the airport and back sitting in an empty house with a futon and my bed . Did i mention i just love living out of a suitcase ?!
I tried not to turn blue thinking about where the hell i was going to live for the next few months or that my boyfriend was about to arrive as I'm a mess, living in a mess and did i mentioned stressed?!
So he arrived. 15 hours of a flight later, 4 months of separation to share a few cuddles and then Yep. He ended it ...
Maybe i was the one crazy gal out there who thought that long distance living in two separate countries would work. But i did. I believed it more than i knew. I loved him more than i imagined and just like that Life-2 Tash-0.
Now add these to the concoction of rejection, disappointment, and confusion that this city breathes and I was ready to say ciao bella, its been real.. but I'm out !!
That night as i looked at flight, the little 15 year old inside was screaming " But this is what you have always dreamt of. LA is the place to achieve the greatness you desire... all this hard work and you are ready to throw in the towel like that ?! "
Listen inner child ... its just all a little too much right now
BUTTTT she screamed back... " will you not regret giving in when victory could have been just around the corner. The growth and possibilities are endless... who knows what tomorrow could bring?!
Finally I realized.... my goodness she was right !!
I worked so hard all my life to create a name and life in Australia I could always fall back on, I worked hard to save every penny to make this a reality, I lived and breathed on my computer and through every bit of paper to put together a visa that would deliver me to this dream... how could I give that up now when it was all just beginning.
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and i also know that sometimes when you do the "crazy" and move across the world to follow your personal manifesto.. people leave. Friends, lovers and any of the kind. Its out of your control unfortunately, no matter how hard you try. The only thing in my control is the way I react, where I go from here and what I choose to fight for.
After many nights of tearful skypes to family and friends, many glasses or shall I say bottles of red wine, and lots of "dancing" it out .
THE SUN CAME OUT
It wasn't like something miraculous happened. I just simply awoke one day feeling overwhelmingly happy, and alive. I couldn't explain it but I just felt connected to every vibration around me. That night there was a dance event, now i normally would walk in and crawl into a shell and become everything i am not. But today was different. I walked in confident, chatting to every person and realizing what a life i had created for myself here. I was surrounded by friends who adored me, choreographers who loved my work, and an entire room pulsing with support and opportunity. I breathed and took it all in and almost cried with joy at what had been RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME ALL THIS TIME ! It took everything to fall apart for me to realize how incredible everything was around me.
Its easy when our sight is fixated on a goal and no matter what you achieve, it will never be good enough or even cross your radar because it is not WHAT YOU WANT. I took a step away and decided to just be happy and i realized id been wearing the wrong glasses all along and had missed the very magic right under my nose.
The past few weeks have been everything to me. I wake up with a grateful heart, my skin prickles buzzing with energy and my face feels like sunbeams are shooting our of it. Its true people- the second you find happiness in life without the things you believe must be present for your happiness - everything comes your way. I booked my first American Tv performance with an artist and assisted choreographers i adore for the first time. BOOM two goals in one !. And the very next week i assisted one of LA's biggest dance choreographers/directors for an entire week on a project that was on my goals list - it just came in a way i hadn't imagined :).
I am learning and growing so much every single day. I feel more alive than ever before and I can feel the shift and change that is slowly coming towards me from the universe. Its been brewing all along I just need life to shake me a bit to realize the sun had always been out- my own cloud was hiding it.