Last year an audition popped up in NYC for a dream job. Without thinking for even a second I booked a flight there for the next month. The idea of auditioning in the big apple and waiting in line for hours made my heart spring to life.
Two weeks later a major audition for another dream job was sent out in LA. I was at a crossroads!! WHYYYYY??!! I screamed at the universe as I couldn’t understand why it would make me choose between two insane opportunities and put me in such a situation. I tried to look for signs, I asked advice from 10 too many people, and I bit every nail off whilst I tossed and turned with my heart and mind to come to a decision. In the end I chose what I thought I “should” be doing and chose to cancel my flight and stay in LA.
That audition goes down in my book as the craziest audition to date. It was over before it began… it went so quickly in hindsight it feels like an out of body experience and I question if it even happened, I cannot tell you how I performed those counts of 8. My friend likes to call those auditions- conveyor belts. In one door and straight out through the other with barely a stop. Yep, I got cut and off ran my mind.
“ I knew I SHOULD have gone to NYC”
“I WOULD have had a better experience”
“I COULD have booked my dream”
I dreamt up all the scenarios that could have, should have and would have happened to me if I had chosen New York. Not only for one day mind you but for …months. It ate away at my heart whenever something wouldn’t work out how I wanted or expected it too and I’d think if I had made the RIGHT decision I would be touring the world dancing right now, but look where I am instead.
The funny thing is, and Ive spoken to many friends so I know im not the only insane one… when we destroy ourselves over a WRONG decision we imagine the other decision panning out in the best way possible. For instance, if we chose an audition or interview over another we are annoyed at missing a chance and often we imagine ourselves booking that chance. Getting to the end, getting the job etc BUTTTTTTTT that’s not reality. I may never have gotten into the call, I may have danced terribly, been cut straight away, maybe even gotten to the end - danced amazingly and still not have gotten it (we all know this feeling too well) or maybe have experienced the job but hated every second on it (dream jobs sometimes aren’t all we imagine). Life is full of possibilities. Once I caught my thoughts and saw I was doing this it was easier to humour myself and laugh at my insanity and see the reality.
This one situation taught me a lot. It taught me to listen to my gut and pick what I want not what I think I SHOULD do because of everyone elses intentions and thoughts. It taught me that there is no point in punching myself in the gut over something that has passed. My parents have always told me that I live in my what if situations and it couldn’t be more true.
I shouldn’t have gone to class that night and my knee would be fine
I could have danced for that artist if I had said something different
I would have experienced that if I wasn’t at home in Australia
I should have booked two days less on my holiday with my loved one and I would have made it in time
Living in these worlds and words brings me happiness…said no one ever. If anything it riddles me with anxiety, stress, sadness and living in the past. Its still a constant practice but Ive become a pro at hide and seek, catching myself out. Here is what helps me when a thought arises
“I Should have …..”
I let myself sit in the feelings and say hello as they pass through me
I say “this is the way things are” “it cannot be changed” and take a moment to accept that
I look at the situation and see if there’s anything in my control that I could work on or do differently to learn from my mistakes, get me closer to that opportunity or simply let it go
I do something that fills me up such as go for a walk at sunset, hang with a friend, journal
I kick myself in the butt and get on with living in the present ready for the next open door
When mistakes are made, our raft gets off course or we miss the boat we try to gain control by assigning blame onto ourselves and others. The “Should, woulda, coulda’s” give us the illusion that we can manipulate and control what just went wrong. But we CANNOT. Of course we can’t- it is already in the past, it has already happened. Learning to accept things as the way they are is is much easier said than done but I know you and I can practice this daily J
Ok guys stop giggling or letting your mind wander... Its not what you think!!!
But hopefully it did grab your attention (high five!)
Indeed this article is about something he said, something that really hit home and has been fueling much of my journalling and daily actions. The he I am referring to is the incredible Tyce Diorio ( if you are a dancer and are sitting there thinking who ?! DO YOUR RESEARCH!) . He not only has danced for the gods of our industry Janet Jackson and JLO to name a few, but has also choreographed for the likes of Taylor Swift and Cher. His passion and love for dance is an essence that radiates from his presence in the room and makes you go hard or simply go home.
I first took his class at the Pulse Convention back in 2010. Sweating in a room of 300 or more dancing my little heart out in a horrific supre singlet (it was cool back then guys) . I remember being picked out in a small group and feeling so overwhelmed with joy that he had seen me among the large group.
Fast forward to *cough* 7 years later, ouch saying that out loud hurt. Im living in LA which was a dream in itself and Tyce has put on a class on a Saturday afternoon. I must admit I was nervous to do my best as its been a year since I had taken class in LA. Classes lately have acted as experiments for me and my knee to see where I'm at and to focus on trusting and believing in it. You never know when someone is feeling adventurous and throws in a new almost impossible move and you stand there like sureeeeee... let me just hide in the back corner and sneak out.
He taught to "Rich girl" by Gwen Stefani and mannnn was it good !!. I kept catching my friends eye like God damn, I love this! Every few minutes Tyce would stop the class to share with us some of his wisdom and honestly at the end of the hour and a half it was as much a class for my dancing than it was for my soul. He spoke a lot about "knowing" yourself. A deep sense of trust, belief and most importantly peace within your heart and gut that you are more than enough as a person and a mover. In class we are all guilty of trying to "prove" our talent, comparing ourselves to others and attempting to demand attention. He pulled out a boy and used him as the example for that deep sense of "knowing". He was comfortable in his own shell, in his own delivery of the piece and because of that his light was shining from wherever he stood , yes even the back corner. You watched him thinking damn he can move but also damn, he exudes so much confidence in the most humbling of manners.
Tyce went on to tell a story of a friend who had an audition and when he asked how it went replied "ah there was so many people". To which tyce followed with "AND?"
Again the boy continued to describe how packed the room was, and how someone whacked him (yes we all know these feelings from the cattle calls out here all too well) to which Tyce continuously replied "AND?". He said that obviously this boy had a problem with this audition and the amount of people and when prompted the boy could only answer yes because the room was packed. This led Tyce to drill into us that when he steps into a room it is only he in there. His light shines as bright as the sun and even if theres 600 boys stepping on your toes- your light does not dim, it shines bright just ahead as it should. It will be seen if its meant to and no matter how many others- his belief that he is more than enough, that he is perfect and damn amazing will not be shaken or even touched.
Ive been guilty myself of walking into cattle calls and thinking "well how the hell am I meant to be seen in this shit show". I feel myself become overwhelmed, agitated and ultimately a desperate, intense and frantic energy is pouring out of me as I dance something far below my best self. His words really sparked a bulb in my head and it has become my new mantra and way of showing up at class and audition. I walk in knowing myself, what I offer, that the way I deliver is exactly what I need and I do my best. I walk out feeling proud and still in love with myself as always. Nothing can take that away and if this job is meant for me my light will be seen no matter what.
I already sense a change in the way I'm appearing in this world out here. Others are sensing and commenting on it also and I know that i have found a piece of gold thanks to Tyce. Try it out for yourself walk into that meeting, that class, that bar and let your light shine its brightest gold. Let it radiate everything that you encompass and notice the change in the air !!
Love, Tash xx