Remember the story of the little engine that could ?... The little guy who repeated his mantra of "I think I can, I think I can" and overcame a seemingly impossible task. The story we were told as children to teach us the lesson of optimism and that hard work pays off. The more we are challenged in life, thrown around, rejected, heart broken and experience that stuff we call "life" the more we lose sight of being that little engine and the more that FEAR, and DOUBT clouds our thoughts and judgement.
To say that my journey here has been one of the hardest things I have ever undertaken would be nothing short of a lie. I had everything a person could want... i was surrounded by love from my family, partner and loved ones, i had a successful career working at the top of my field and jumping from job to job constantly, I had a bank account which smiled at me when I said hello and I was god damn happy!. But still even with everything I had there was a gnawing at the back of my mind. A little voice saying Hey! you want more, i know you do. Its time to go for it !!. I was ever so comfortable and content and I looked at my life and thought happily ever after but that was something I couldn't bare. I had such jealousy when I saw people doing the very thing I had always wanted and just going for it. There is not much worse in life than regret. I didn't want to turn 40 with two kids and a beautiful house, sipping a wine and caught in the thought "WHAT IF?". The quote "What if i fall?...but darling, what if you fly ?" couldn't ring truer for me !!.
If there is something you have always dreamt about doing- a career or job, starting a business, buying a house, a travel adventure.. JUST GO FOR IT ! Yes it is going to be scary, you will be ridden with fear and doubt, you may hit rock bottom, you may lose sight of yourself and think the world is crumbling...but if you really want it, you will do it !!. The thing about humans is that we are always desiring... we find something we desire and purely envision that final destination and how life would be . What we don't ask ourselves is how much am I willing to struggle for it ?? What are you willing to lose? How much rejection, defeat, sadness and anxiety will you endure? But still..... grit your teeth, be grateful for the journey that life is throwing at you and keep pushing and pushing instead of throwing in the towel. If a human can fall like never before and still get up, brush themselves off and fight even harder... that action speaks more than words ever can.
If I am being honest, my journey here has been nothing like I expected. The problem with expectations is something I learnt at a young age. Remember when your party was coming up and you envisioned exactly what it would be like, how much fun everyone would have, it would be amazing and just the best!! But at the end of the night you are crying because a fight broke out with friends and it was filled with drama and so many things went wrong. Maybe if you hadn't expected it to be a certain way the disappointment wouldn't have been as high because you were just living in the present moment.
I quickly learnt here to let go of that expectation, ride the wave and enjoy the process no matter what is thrown in my way. I have learnt things about myself and life i didn't even know I had yet to learn, I've questioned everything I love and have desired, I felt unworthy and untalented, I let fear grasp hold of me and try to drag me down, I was ready to quit back to my comfortable shiny life... but IM STILL HERE!!. I am proud of myself, and have been surprised by my ability to pick myself back up, hold my head high and stand fighting. It took a little while to accept my journey here and stop looking back at the life I had back home and wishing to be back there. I know that the second i went back to it id be back to square one wishing to be here. As soon as I accepted that this is MY path and mine only and looked at the wonderful milestones I was achieving i couldn't help but smile and it gave me fuel to keep the fire burning.
"Wherever you are, be all there" Another quote which is a constant reminder to myself to live in the present moment and to control my mind to remain within this country and my ambitions here.
Its kind of exciting as much as it terrifies me to have no idea what is coming next. Im in the perfect place to have nothing one day and have everything the other. You have no idea what is around the corner for you. All i can say is go for your wildest dreams. Stay humble, stay determined, stay grateful and keep that positive energy flowing to the universe. It will happen... at the right time and the right place. Regardless of everything you endure make it something that you can always look back and be proud of yourself and know you did everything that you can control to give yourself the best opportunity to attain that dream .
I am the little engine that could.
I always had this dream that one day I would dance behind an artist in an arena filled with thousands and tour the world with them. That dream fueled my fire and passion for dance through my years of training and being a professional. I had no plan, no path, no set of steps... I simply worked hard, wrote down my goals and just went where the wind blew me .
I have to say looking back at the 17 year old self who finished Dux of her school with a scholarship to university and wanting to become a physiologist specializing in biomechanics I can't help myself but laugh and think there is no way I could have told you that my life would go in the absolute opposite direction and I would find myself sitting on my couch in my apartment in Los Angeles with a career behind me that I am so god damn proud of .
I have achieved things I could only dream of, danced for people I had to hold back tears from meeting them, been on sets that take my breath away, traveled to countries that have opened my heart and my eyes, met people who have changed my life, and learnt countless lessons about myself.
I was one of those people whose eyes saw only their career. I thought my main goal in life was to achieve the unimaginable and to reach my fullest potential and that if i did that i would be complete, i would be the epitome of happiness. That determination has absolutely aided my success and led me to where i am today but along the way something clicked and i realized .. oh darling you are so wrong.
It definitely occurred when my heart was left in pieces and I escaped to Europe at 21, alone with a suitcase and 4 days in venice before i would embark on a short tour through Italy, Spain and the french riviera. Yes it changed my life. In those first four days walking in circles lost in the canals of venice, sharing a pizza and vase of wine to myself watching the sunset over the river, and falling asleep alone in my hotel in the old monastery i realized how wrong I was about everything I had ever thought and been and began a transformation into the person I am today. I realized that I must have so much love for myself that the love of any other would only compliment it and so I would have all the love in the world to give to that person because I already had enough for myself. I saw that I needed to find my own happiness regardless of the situations surrounding me, a bad day did not mean a bad life, and a situation only gaged as good or bad depending on my thoughts. My thoughts began to change my world, I learnt to control my drowning anxiety and stress. I saw my selfishness and was disgusted and worked to give the love and compassion to my family and loved ones whom I had neglected. I realized true friends, and the energy and vibrations I wanted to surround myself with and that only i have the power and choice to say no to things I no longer need in my life or things that do not resonate with my truest self. I learnt happiness comes from so many other things than my career- like a simple sunset, a great coffee, exploring and seeing the world...
I could go on for days dabbling about my thoughts but ill leave it there as I'm sure ill touch on them all soon.
A year ago I cracked a whip on myself when I was off from tour because of an injury and realized I had been saying I was moving to america for years now but my actions were not meeting my words. I locked myself to my computer and began the process which any 01 visa holder will describe as hell. I buckled down, got a hold of all my documents and evidence, travelled to America , had a breakdown before the light came shining and that holy deal memo landed in my palms. On the 23rd of January i packed two suitcases complete with my life and travelled 15 hours on a jet plane to the place i had dreamt of and thought...... fuck, what have i done ?!!!
I look forward to sharing my experiences, my stories, and my ludicrous thoughts with you as I tumble and turn, fall and fly through this concrete jungle until one day i can look back and say I FUCKING DID IT !!!!!!!